i guess is not easy to survive from a suicide, but i think we have to learn to get better as days go by. i know noone can promise me tomorrow or even buy back yesterday, so we shouldnt be living in the past.

i think is time for me to stop repeating my mistakes.today is a sad day. despite the fact that ADT is over, but i think i didnt do a good job for my board and duh, my workmanship is totally crap. too lazy to think, too lazy to try. its like i want to hit the bull's eye at one go, but you know, life's never that easy.
sometimes i feel everything is like a joke. every single person that come and go, every single things that happen, big or small, who cares, life's a joke. it's like im always stuck at the second gear, hasnt been my day, week, month or even year. hahs, JOKE.idk. i think i should change. ya, i shouldnt be so smoking my way through kinda thing, actually idk, i have no problem to commit when i want to, cause i love to do so. but i have a serious problem with myself. i dont do things i dont like, and laziness is the queen in me.
why should we be submissive towards just because they want you to do it, dont you live your own damn fucking life for yourself, and not for others. dont people feel that the world is big, you think you know everything? you think you're the best? you think you're fucking knowledgable? you think your perception is always right? the way you think you are fucking right, is like ME, like how i think im fucking right too. dont you feel that you are fucking superficial, like as if the world revolves around you, saying things according to your own mood, and not cause of your natural emotions. that's when humans are screw up. cause they dont fucking think. they dont think for others, and what's worst, they think is ok to be selfish. fuck yourself then. and if you think many things are correct or right, cause it's scientific proven, or some whatever holy book written it down, then it's never correct. cause how can emotions and perception be recorded and proven? its about you observing, seeing, and feeling for others.

please fuck, 'OH! cause of this, that's why i make this decision.' decision lies in your heart, not your brain.

how how how!!!! my husband, edison chen coming to singapore, all the stupid girls going to see him!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO!!! so jealous. i cant go there tomorrow loh, if not the girls will kill me, cause i too pretty, hot and sexy. what more, im his wife! HOWHOWHOW!!!!

hahahahhahaha, today i scream, shout, sing and blasted music when it was raining heavily. my house was pretty dark without the lights on, and very noisy with the rattling of the raindrops and the thunder sounds. pretty thrilling, exciting and fun to compete with the nature. ok, i am mad.

i seriously hope my ahgong will be alright. sigh. not again, and i miss ahma. :(

It doesnt matter you know the reason for him leaving you, he left.
It doesnt matter if he was cheating you, he left.
It doesnt matter if it was once so true, he left.
It doesnt matter if everything was just an act, he left.
It doesnt matter if the reason of leaving is love, he left.
It doesnt matter how much he loves you, he left.
It doesnt matter how much you care, he left.
It doesnt mater if he still cares for you, he left.
It doesnt matter if he found a new love, he left.
It doesnt matter if he is still single, he left.
It doesnt matter if his current is better than you, he left.
It doesnt matter if you're the reason for his foolishness, he left.
It doesnt matter if he is living well, he left.
It doesnt matter how much you miss everything, he left.
It doesnt matter how much he used to hurt you, he left.

It doesnt matter if he left your heart, he left.

im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight. im so gonna finish my model by tonight.

ohyeah! guanguan made me a kate spade paper wallet, so touch. HAHAHA. :D ok chiong, and anything just to mak slim down :D:D

Even though it's been so long
My love for you keeps going strong
I remember the things that we used to do
A kiss in the rain till the sun shine through
I tried to deny it but I'm still in love with you

CHORUS:
I miss you like crazy
I miss you like crazy
Ever since you went away
Every hour of every day

I miss you like crazy
I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do
There's just no getting over you

I can see the love shining in your eyes
And there comes a such a sweet surprise
If seeing's believing it's worth the wait
So hold and tell me it's not too late
We're so good together, we starting forever now

CHORUS

I miss you like crazy
I miss you baby
Love like ours will never end
Just touch me and we're there again

Just one night
And we'll have that magic feeling like we used to do
Hold on tight and whatever comes our way we gonna make it through
If seeing's believing it's worth the wait
So hold and tell me it's not too late
We're so good together, we starting forever now

CHORUS

And I miss you, I missed you
All the chances that you gave me
And a feeling gets this strong
And then the real thing come along
And I miss you

I miss you like crazy baby
Under your sweet love and take me
I miss you like crazy
A love like ours will never end
Just touch me and we're there again
I miss you like crazy
I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do

today went school for consultation, felt that it was quite a wasted one, shan't mention about it. feeling so lazy about joining the ura stuffs, idk if i can contribute much, or my mind would listen to me that day. hope that my mind and soul would make friends on that day. well, i dont want to be a free loader, not contributing but sharing glory, despite winning or not.
and i decided to go over australia after my poly to get my degree or what, asked dad, he agreed. so i dont think there's much to considerate or anything. hmm, i'll see how, if i can be able to make it to singapore uni, then it would be much better. much chances are really low. :(

so annoyed with painting, myself, untidyness and what not. oh i think i damn funny. i experienced something so sensational, yet hurting. hahahahahha. i think im mad. damn silly, ok i miss staying out for drinking and all. :(

today is just another average day. well, boring.

WA THIS BIG BOOBS ANGMO ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK AH. I FEEL SO HONOURED. I TELL YOU HER NEI IS SERIOUSLY BEYOND WORDS. I SECRETLY STOLE ONE OF HER PIC, AND CROPPED IT. BUT IS SERIOSULY BIG. I SERIOUSLY STARED AT THE SCREEN WITH ADMIRATION SIA. WHY SO BIG. HAHAHAHA I SOUND SO SICK, IM NOT A LES, THANKS. BUT HER NEI BIG SIA. I GOT BIG NEI ADDING ME ON FACEBOOK!!!! SO HONOURED. DONT JEALOUS PLEASE. THANKS :DD

ok, went got a gathering over my sis's place, mantou didnt come. felt so broken. hahahah, cock. and how can i not enjoy being together with my cousins and all? :D:D

so many things i wana tell you. so long since i talk/seen you. so how? idk lei.

hahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahaha
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhah
ahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
hahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
hahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
hahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahha
hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha
hahahhahahahaha

I DECIDED TO RANT AND VENT TODAY!

OMH, PLEASE STOP ASSUMING, STOP SPYING, STOP TALKING, STOP NAGGING, STOP HALLUCINATING, STOP BACKSTABBING, STOP CHANTING, STOP EVERYTHING. NB. YOU THIS CUNT, I SERIOUSLY RESPECT YOU AS WHO YOU ARE, SO PLEASE STFU. I DONT GET WHY MUST PEOPLE BE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND MEAN AT THE SAME TIME. WHEN I SAY MEAN, I MEAN MEAN FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE HEART, LIKE WANT YOU TO DIE THOSE KIND, NOT THOSE JOKING MEAN.
I DONT GET HOW IS BEING AN AB AND AL, DOING MORON STUFFS, BEING LOW CLASS OR TRYING TO ACT ONE HIGH CLASS, OR FIGHTINGS, OR BREAKING THE LAWS, OR NOT STUDYING, OR SKIPPING EXAM CAN DO ANYTHING GOOD TO YOU, YES YOU, YOU THIS FUCKER.
FUCKING NOT MATURED BLOODY CUNT FACE. IF YOU THINK HAVING YOUR LIFE THIS WAY, IS THE BEST WAY OUT FOR YOU, THEN FUCKING GO ONE CORNER AND FUCK YOURSELF PLEASE, THANKS.
DONT GET IT DONT GET IT DONT GET!? WHY IS HUMAN THIS WAY? WHY AM I THIS WAY?
WHAT YOU SEE MIGHT NOT BE TRUE, THOSE THAT IS TRUE YOU MIGHT NOT SEE.
SEE SIMILAN, TRUE SIMILAN, JUST FUCK.THIS.SHITZ.FUCK.LIFE.FUCK.YOU.FUCK.PAST.FUCK.EVERYTHING.FUCK.OFF

ok im feeling better, despite being pissed off and typing these now, i still feel very cold and am shivering now. lol. BUT!! coldness doesnt freeze or numb the questions in me! why is everything so skeptical? or am i just being too paranoid, sensitive?

lets start to count sheeps!
one..
two..
three..
you..
no..
fuck..
off..

night :(

went school for consultation, glad that at least im done with my form. :D kinda annoyed with the fact that i've to KEEP TRACK of my progress, which i totally hate it. i hate taking photos of evey single steps, i got no patiences at all. wa, sibei dulan.
anyway, school is as awesome as ever! after school, met leong and all then met up with wendii. :D:D:D cant wait for everything! and steamboat next week?!

maybe, he's not the one and he's never fun to be with.

02:02
do you know what's the furthest distance apart?
is me standing beside you, and you dont know i love you.


THANKSTHANKS! i know i damn sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! :D

tell me how do i ignore people you know who's ruining their life and just let them be? how to ignore them for years till they finally realise their mistakes? isnt that too late? you know consequences dont come right after that, it takes years. and when it comes, is gonna be much more difficult.

but how do i tell/show him? what more i have my own fears too. why should another innocent life gets hurt, cant god help him out, if you really exist and is as great as people say, then help him, can you? a good nature can never be that bad at all. a kind man can never be evil.

so scary to know that the world is full of so much terrifying beings around. sigh. idk what to do now. i feel so unbearable, so disappointed. i mean why cant man be nice to woman, and treat them with respect and be there for them. like a real hero.

all these are bullshits. :(

today presentation was awesome to the max! :D:D lol. and i learnt alot of new things today, which i never know in my past 17 years till jy told me everything. HAHAHAHA.

well, sometimes i think i think too much, which isnt good at all. cause it makes me think so hard and i never get the complexity of human's minds right. i wish everyone would be like ADILAH!, such a happy go lucky girl. hahaha, ya right. if only life is that easy and smooth.

why do people only see the superficial acts, those major things one do for you, yet not those minor stuffs, those good intentions and caring thoughts that one has or done. am i really in my own world? or i just believe there's no reason for people to harm? isnt it? isnt helping just something natural, what more we are good friends? idk.

idw to have personal selfish thoughts and intention, makes me feel like a total loser.

it feels weird, to hear the same ringtone to ring again, cause it hasnt been ringing for very long, yet i didnt do anything.
it feels weird, to hear the same sms tone to ring again, cause it has been ages since i have non stop messages, thats why i didnt use the old ringtone.
it feels weird , to see your face in photo again, cause it became so unfamiliar, and i dont know if that's you.
it feeels weird, to hold someone else again, cause the feeling of you is still so strong.
it feels weird, to be in the same place again, cause too much memories and trails are left behind.
it feels weird, to cry like a bitch again, cause you're no longer the reason for it.

afterall, im just too afraid, that everything will happen once more.

ok, i got to sleep, presentation tomorrow. idk why, it just came right to my mind. i should be sleeping not these, not you. bye.

12:12
11:11
10:10
05:05
02:02


You're so strong, i fell on my knees, i dont think i can handle this alone.
and one more night, i wana hold on to you, be there for you.
and the days go by, doing nothing about this.

If you ever did believe me.

Humans beings tends to have past dependency. we try to keep all our yesterdays, even though the day is TODAY. people collect antiques, reflective journal and take photographs, all for the sake of preserving them in memory. then when we realise is no longer real anymore, you ask yourself what for? and then it doesnt help abit, cause things repeat itself, how annoying.
i seriously wish for a fairytale, but a fairytale only happen when you meet someone who believes in a fairytale just like you do, but you realise, in society nowadays, there's so little of these beliefs. then what to do?
why do humans have to keep everything away from each other, hide from each other, and not being able to be open towards others? have they ever thought that, if you cant be open and accept yourself, then you cant be open towards others too. i seriously wish to know everything, every little thoughts that came upon other humans mind, so i can help them, accept them and be friend with them.

everythig is so complex, i wish it was easier, nothing should be in consideration, do what you do, feel what you feel. but no, life isn't this way, idk what i want now, and i feel sick that im actually being to think like what a human in society do, no longer cause i want it. is this good or bad. probably the world is gonna end one day cause of humans.
tell me, will you only show your fears, thoughts and emotions only at the last second of your life?
alright, i just want everyone including me to be happy, that's all.

he that makes me smile.
he that makes me mad.
he that makes me cry.
he that makes me whine.
he that makes me worried.
he that makes me crazy.
he that makes me tired.
he that makes me caring.
he that makes me love.
he that makes me laugh.

sometimes, i thought it would be fine not caring about other factors, and just continue loving you, but it rather impossible. i thought it would be great seeing you beside me, holding my hands, making me mad, tearing me about and just have your smell linger around me. then again, i thought if it did continue then how will i be right now? will i still be the same, or just being anxious and living in a world of you? maybe this love should just be kept and buried. maybe love is not the happiest thing afterall. is true, yes it is, but we wasnt strong enough to defeat everything else. we.got.defeated.
im sorry for all the things i done, and those hardtimes i make you went through. and thanks for everything you ever done, thanks for being with me all these while. but now, i realise im all by myself. cause you have to go back home, and here is no longer your home. or is it?

nothing much today, but surprisingly i slept till 1.30. wa.

woah. saturday night was highness beyond highness. lol. yes again so we went jon's dad's place again. this time round not alot of people, cause many couldnt make it, so only a few of us. but it was really coolzxzxzxz. no police, less noise, but we enjoy so much! like woah. hahahahha. yaya, im the joke of the day. like again, hangover was terrible, like a total bitch. but it was all fun! went over ahma's place. had mini steamboat with them. it was awesome AND! i had my hair dyed midnight blue, is as good as black, but the blue is like is there but not there kinda feeling. lol. anyway, im liking it alot. hahaha.

Today, is not any other today.
Today, is today.
Today, has tomorrow(s).
Today, is a day.
Today, i face the day.
Today, i am.

wg makes me happy for a moment when he told me is the fairygodfather and is willing to grant me wishes. now i wish. my wishes are gone! boohoo.


hey, what would you do if you weren't afriad? will you go out and give it one more try, give it one more chance and start everything anew. can you do it? or you rather stick with your life now? idk..

whats with the smile, happiness and laughters all these while when you are always having so much depressing thoughts and worries on your mind?


then you expect me to frown and cry everyday meh? siao.
i want my hero to pass by only, thats all.

What's up with everyone now? what's up with all these stupid norms? i think you should just get out of what confusion state you are in right now. it's not you. it's so not you. you never realise how many people actually care for you, and like you give a flying fuck about who cares, yes you dont. so dont assume nobody cares/loves you. cause you always have us, your fam.
argh.

installation done. presentation to moses done. new module, new month, new tasks. this.is.shitzxz. actually, i have alot of things on mind and somehow i want to get it off my chest by telling/shouting or anything. i thought that it would be nice to lie down under the big night sky and just stare at it forever, stars that appear to be smiling and a huge big sky that gives you security you ever need. i feel like rolling down slope which me and yx tried the other day, and i gave up half way cause the tar road was like hurting me. ok noob. sometimes, i really dont mind giving and helping anyone that needs it. is it too much to do? or is it just you that dont understand? is it cause human always want something in return, yet i just dont want to see another life hurt. i just hope everyone around me is happy and safe. do something i can just to see them smile, does it matters whether you are taken advantage of, when you know giving is a part of you. is something i really love.

cant believe i had been staying in school till close to 12am for two mad days. not for some camp shit, or having fun with friend. but been doing installation for the whole fucking day! wa. but is a nice experience to sweat and 'bleed' with your coursemate, helping out each other, and taking care of one another. glad that everyone is so helpful and sweet!! obviously, im better. :D hahaha.

i really want one super power ability please, like reading minds and all. then it'll be so fun! why cant human just be truthful and sincere to each other. why must human keep stuffs and hide away from each other? isnt it so hurtful? but why do i feel so inferior towards the community.

sigh, anyway, i need to sleep! byeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D like you care, lol.

cant believe is february already. 2nd day of february somemore. this is madness. time stop please stop. and if you can ever stop, then please maybe rewind back the times. those really good times. sigh. if time could ever stop, i think is too much for me to catch up with! i could hardly enjoy all these, every tomorrow just seems bleak. cant feel it. everything is just fuck up. perhaps im more fuck up. the more i bring it up, the more it surfaces, the more i cant let it go. the more i want you, the more hopes i have to see you tomorrow. the more empty i feel.

i could never imgaine some place like woha exsist in singapore ever. is like omfg. is just godlike.

We've only just begun to live,White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way.We've just begun.
Before the rising sun we fly,So many roads to choose
We start out walking and learn to run.
And yes, We've just begun.
Sharing horizons that are new to us,
Watching the signs along the way,T
alking it over just the two of us,
Working together day to day Together.
And when the evening comes we smile,So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow,
And yes, We've just begun.

i've just begun. woah, valentine is coming. haha cant believe i was looking for the present and it was just infront of me, staring at me with those innocent eyes. lol

i desperately want to do my story board for my group, but the i actually left everything in studio! i cant do any work now, and i've got nothing to do. :( i had laksa in the morning, thus of the terrible runs im having currently.
i realise i have a very long wishlist that hmmm, that can never happen.
i realise i'm really fat, like woah, really need to slim down. anything. i seriously will do anything to slim down, even in the expense of pain. sounds scary but im gonna do it man.
i realise i really need alot of security, maybe i should get a guard as my future soulmate. haha. idk why im feeling this way too.
i realise i had been dreaming damn random dreams, and at the end of the dream, im always left alone in the dream, and i always feel lost.
i realise i lost touch with my bitches for like 2 weeks. walao eh. motherfucking bitch. lol!

i realise there's many things i wish for, yet im not getting. i want to be in a fairytale. its so perfect and lovely. everything is so beautiful. imagine all the flowers smiling at you, little animal talking to you, having a white tiger and a PANDA! as your pet. woah.
lastly, someone that loves you for eternity, and he really means eternity.
but it's all in tales isnt it?

had a very fun week end!!! thanks to jonathan and co again. glad that uncle eng doesnt mind us messing and making din at his place. lol. we had ktv session, sang alot of old english songs, i think the neighbourhood going crazy. but i was kinda tired on friday. lol. left in the morning cab home, then down to clementi then to hougang then cab back home. tiring. :D and i love mantou!!!
ok projs to do tomorrow! :D woha visit soon!